Healing and Connection

I just realized… or rather, was finally able to feel, how much my therapist matters to me now. I know she always has in some sense, but the full weight of it really just hit me. Like, fuck. I can count on her. She’s the one stable, consistent person in my life right now, and the way I need that feels like a water lily sitting in the middle of a desert. I’m crying as I write this because it scares me. But it also feels profoundly healing to be able to feel that she matters. I

I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts for a couple of hours now, but it’s been difficult because I’m pretty dysregulated. I had a session in person today because I was already in the city for a doctor’s appointment and wanted to take advantage of being able to go in person while I was there. The thing is, in-person sessions are a lot more activating for me. Especially now that my attachment system is activated with her. Leaving causes a surge of grief that feels suffocatin

I just had a moment with a customer that was so endearing. I had published my blog post and was still reflecting on last night and feeling pretty vulnerable and anxious. I’m alone in the shop today and just doing my job like normal when this woman walked up to me and said she just wanted me to know that I’m a really sweet guy and I have good energy. I’m having a hard time taking it in and feeling like I deserve to be told something like that and at the same time, hearing thos

I had a really good night last night. I met up with some people, who are also poly, for some drinks. It was nice to be around others, talking and listening as they shared their own stories about how they realized they were poly, as well as their journey through the years of being poly. To be surrounded by others who just get it left me with a feeling of resonance. I was more engaging and open and talkative, and while I enjoyed that part of me in the moment, I am struggling wi

A lot of days lately have been heavy, hard, and honestly just overwhelming in a way that I haven’t been able to handle well. Today is a day where I’m able to reflect, experience joy, and notice all the nuances of what I am experiencing and living through right now. I know it is important to really take these moments in when they happen, because when the bad days return, it’s helpful to have been present for the good ones—to have some felt sense that the bad won’t last forever

My morning started out rough. My night was filled with nightmares from my childhood and some things happened yesterday that are still weighing on me today. I was overwhelmed and having a hard time getting started with work and regulating enough to feel like I could function enough to work. Someone at work has been inviting me to feed the squirrels with them in the morning and I always struggle to get myself to go but once I’m there my whole existence is just being with the sq

Today is my ex’s birthday, and reflecting on how good of a person she is, how much she adds to this world, has also brought up grief for me. The grief of losing her as a partner. Alongside that grief, there is also acceptance. There is understanding. And it still hurts to sit with that reality. The more internal work I do, the more the layers start to peel back, the more I realize how hard life with me can be for other people. I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way, just

Yesterday ended with me having dinner with my family and then playing video games with my godson. He "cooked" me, which is apparently the new term for "he whooped my ass". We played Super Smash Bros and he likes to be the same characters when we fight. He also likes to add 6 computer players, all the same characters, so you can imagine that trying to figure yourself out on the screen is complicated lol. I think my brother is over his shenanigans because he told him he would o

I showed up to session today and something different happened. This therapist works from a psychodynamic lens and it has been helpful at getting me to see things I normally wouldn't. I have a huge problem with not being able to admit how I'm actually doing. I can admit it in writing if I'm not in front of the person, but having to say it is something I have never been good at. When we started session, the usual “how are you?” was asked and I said, “I’m okay.” She then made a

Yesterday was a day. After work, I went to donate plasma. Then later, I met up with someone. What I didn’t realize was that two hours of physical intimacy is, in fact, a full-body workout. As someone who does not exercise regularly, I woke up this morning feeling it in my shoulders, my legs, even my core. Muscles I haven’t really used in a while. Also, I didn’t even know two hours was a real thing. I’ve heard people say that before and I’ve always kind of rolled my eyes like,

I’ve been growing this plant since it was just a little starter plant, and she’s doing so well. I was watering my plants and noticed how big the leaves are getting, and how beautiful the pattern on them is. My plants really do bring me some joy, no matter what’s going on in my life. Especially the ones like this one… the ones I’ve been able to grow since they just had one little leaf on them. Authors Note: The photo is a picture of the plant I’m talking about.

There is something about me that is super frustrating… and it is that no matter how many times this happens, I never seem to fully grasp onto the lesson. I started taking Klonopin yesterday because I felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore, and I started to feel a lot more calm and capable of getting through the day. So I continued to take it through the day and before bed, and then again today, which has allowed me to actually function. And I know this. And I promise you, the

I’m not really sure what happened tonight. Maybe I just reached my limit. Between the loud rain on the drive to the restaurant, the constant braking of cars, and the noise level once we got there, my body never really stood a chance. I was tense the entire ride. And that frustrated me more than anything. I wanted to have a nice dinner. And we did, technically. But it was a nice dinner that existed alongside me internally melting down, putting all my energy into masking and tr

I think the part of my job that brings me the most joy is a very small moment. It happens when a couple is talking to me about booking a wedding, and after a pause, sometimes a long one, they ask: “Do y’all do gay weddings?” There’s usually a tightness in their voice when they ask. Like they’ve rehearsed the question and are bracing for the answer. And then there’s the moment after I respond. Because my identity as a trans person lets them exhale. I can hear it, the sigh of r

I’m not really sure what changed my mind. Earlier today, I genuinely didn’t think I had it in me. Everything in me wanted to go home and isolate. But, I went to the book club anyway. And I’m really glad I did. There were about twelve of us at there. I hadn’t even had time to buy the book yet, so I asked if it was okay for me to go, even if I hadn’t read the book. I mostly listened. I watched people think out loud. I heard different theories, interpretations, emotional reactio

At the end of my last two therapy sessions, I asked a question. The first time it was, “Do you feel comfortable so far?” The second time it was, “Did any of that freak you out?” She asked me if I expected it to. I said yes. She told me she wasn’t freaked out. That she felt comfortable. That she could hold her role and was competent to work with what I bring in. And that she would let me know if that changes. That’s not a direct quote, I can’t remember the exact wording, but t

My session went really well today. Last night, my best friend and I were talking, and I told him there were things I needed to talk to my therapist about, but probably wouldn’t. I didn’t feel ready. Or brave. Or something like that. This morning he messaged me one sentence: TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. It landed exactly when it needed to. So today, I did. I opened up about some things in my life that have been causing me a lot of distress, things I’ve been carrying quietly, with

I’m really struggling with my attachment. I keep trying to comfort myself by stupidly fantasizing about her calling me and saying hello and us catching up on life. I’m obviously not intentionally thinking about this, I kind of don’t realize it’s happening half the time. It makes me feel weird for wanting that… but I know it’s just me wishing things didn’t have to be the way they are. Fuck, I really wish they didn’t have to be. It’s so hard. I know acceptance would probably st

I’m feeling okay today. If I could describe what it feels like, it would be like this really heavy trench coat on my body. Like someone made a weighted trench coat, but it’s too heavy for it to be regulating. How do you stop longing for and missing two people who felt like soul mates? Even if I can’t be partners with my ex, having her in my life means a lot to me. And while it hurts to lose that kind of connection with her, having no connection would have shattered me complet

I finished work yesterday with a meeting, then went to donate plasma. After donating, I went to play cards with some friends, and I stayed until around midnight, having a lot of fun, laughing and joking around with them. Honestly, even with getting home late, I slept better than I have in a while. The night before, I woke up to nightmares throughout the night. Last night, I dreamed I was carrying around a small baby that was mine, letting my grandparents hold them, visiting w