Treat It Delicately

I just realized… or rather, was finally able to feel, how much my therapist matters to me now.

I know she always has in some sense, but the full weight of it really just hit me.

Like, fuck. I can count on her.

She’s the one stable, consistent person in my life right now, and the way I need that feels like a water lily sitting in the middle of a desert.

I’m crying as I write this because it scares me. But it also feels profoundly healing to be able to feel that she matters.

I keep silently telling myself:

Treat this delicately, Christian.

Make sure you behave in a way that aligns with how you feel about her.

And I think that’s what this realization is really bringing up for me. Not just that she matters, but that I need to be mindful with something that matters.

More than her mattering is realizing how much I need her.

That’s the part that makes me want to pull back.

The part that reminds me not to let fear take control.

One thing I learned from being let go through email is that every word I speak or type matters. Every relationship is delicate. Things can be damaged when we stop slowing down long enough to understand what we’re actually trying to communicate.

So I want to treat this relationship like it’s delicate.

I want to slow down.

I want to make sure that what I’m trying to say and what I’m actually saying are as close to each other as possible.

Because this matters to me.

I’m hoping I can do that.

I think I can.

And more than anything, I’m hoping this is the person who can stick with me through this brutal process called healing.