Therapy Processing

Since we moved my therapy frequency up to twice a week, I’ve been feeling a lot more stable between sessions. It’s also provided an environment where I’m getting better at sharing more openly. Before we increased the frequency, she let me know there may be weeks where twice weekly can’t happen until she has a consistent spot available. I logically understand that and I respect that. Emotionally, I’m struggling with it. And I really hate this about myself. I hate the pain I fe

I’ve been struggling. The pain, the fear, the lack of sleep, and the intense body sensations have been hard to move through. Last session was hard and intense. I had just opened up about the attachment distress I was feeling. I ended up having a flashback, and up until that moment, I hadn’t been able to share with her any of the ones that come up. This time, I did. She linked the flashback to the attachment distress. Since that session, I had been feeling a lot of rage. Anger

I’m experiencing a lot of distress right now, and I’m not sure why. My session wasn’t anything deep. I know I need to talk to her about the pain my attachment system is causing me, but idk how and idk that it would help. I’m trying to remind myself this is part of therapy, and that hopefully if I do enough work, this pain will subside. But I’m scared it won’t, and honestly it’s making it really hard not to pull away. I know that one of the main problems is that I don’t have a

We talked about my memory a little bit in session today. I’m too exhausted to type it all out, and honestly, the topic itself is activating for me. I’m just not in a place where I want to deal with being activated right now. However, something I was able to link when I was reflecting after session was that I remember books and movies in the same way I remember my life. Bits and pieces, but not much of a line of narrative. Obviously, this isn’t true of every single book or mov

I had a hard session today. Honestly, I can’t remember most of it. I ended up having an anxiety or panic attack during the session. I’m not really sure what to call it, to be honest. The hard part was that I had to go back to work afterward. Usually I transition back to work pretty easily. This time I had to sit for a while before I walked back in. And when I finally did, I had a really hard time staying present and engaging. I got through the day, but it took a lot more effo

Yesterday's therapy session revolved around why it is so hard for me to truly connect with people, and why it often isn't until they're gone that I can fully feel the weight of how much they mattered to me. We talked about how much of myself I hold back because, deep down, I don't believe people really want me or care about me. So I protect myself by staying hidden. The painful part is that being seen and known is exactly what I crave. Not just to be seen, but to truly know s

I’m reading a psychologically oriented book, and it’s bringing up a lot of anger about one of the therapists I worked with. It’s talking about things in a much more nuanced way than I experienced at times in her office, and it carries a level of humility and compassion that I wish I could have received in the final moments of our work together, the moments that ultimately left me feeling harmed. I don’t really like saying she harmed me, but I also know what I’ve experienced s

I just realized… or rather, was finally able to feel, how much my therapist matters to me now. I know she always has in some sense, but the full weight of it really just hit me. Like, fuck. I can count on her. She’s the one stable, consistent person in my life right now, and the way I need that feels like a water lily sitting in the middle of a desert. I’m crying as I write this because it scares me. But it also feels profoundly healing to be able to feel that she matters. I

I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts for a couple of hours now, but it’s been difficult because I’m pretty dysregulated. I had a session in person today because I was already in the city for a doctor’s appointment and wanted to take advantage of being able to go in person while I was there. The thing is, in-person sessions are a lot more activating for me. Especially now that my attachment system is activated with her. Leaving causes a surge of grief that feels suffocatin

I ended up having two sessions this week. Honestly, bless my therapist for noticing I needed the extra support without me asking for it, because I wouldn’t have asked. The fact that she even checked in and offered was emotionally loaded in a way I wasn’t prepared for. I think I cried more over that offer than I have cried over most of the trauma I carry. There was something about being seen before I had to wave a flag. Something about someone noticing I was struggling and cho

Im feeling really overwhelmed after therapy today. I couldn’t really feel anything or reach much of anything inside my head. Being like that is hard for me. It’s hard for me to know something is there and not to be able to access it. It feels like I’m wasting my therapists time when every-time I go to speak it’s like the words just disappear before I have a chance to say them. I know the last part of the session I was able to access a little bit of history but I think it floo

Talking about my attachment in therapy today opened something up in me. A lot of grief. Fear. Crying. Just… a flood of emotion. What’s weird is that the fear isn’t really centered around her suddenly leaving me. That fear was really intense with past therapy relationships, especially my first one, but it feels quieter now. I don’t know if that’s because I trust her more or because I understand now that there’s ultimately nothing I can do to prevent endings if they happen. Wha

I had therapy today and the session was a mixture of crying, laughing, and everything in between. I am starting to feel some attachment form, and that scares the absolute shit out of me. I’m nervous to let myself be open enough to feel attachment again. I’m scared my own attachment feelings become too overwhelming for me to handle. I’m going to have to have a really vulnerable conversation next session, and I’m not sure that I’m ready for that. (I don’t have to, as in I’m not

In therapy today, I can’t even remember exactly how the last termination came up, but it did. She wants me to think about what comes up for me in the therapeutic relationship that might be contributing to the endings that happen. And how that might translate to my life outside of the room. The only thing I can really come up with is this: I’m a really kind person. I notice a lot about people through observation, and I reflect that back to them. So I usually build a pretty str

In my therapy session today we talked about a lot, but one thing that stuck with me is the internal conflict that came up. We were talking about how it’s hard for me to share the content of my flashbacks sometimes. Not just because it’s hard to say out loud, but because some of them don’t feel real. I’m not even sure they actually happened. At some point she asked me what it would feel like to share them while also saying that I’m not certain about what happened. And immediat

I submitted one of my poems to be published in a zine that gets distributed in a few different cities. I was fully expecting it to go nowhere. Yesterday, I got an email saying they loved my piece and will be putting it in an upcoming issue. I’ve never submitted my work before, and honestly, because what I write is very personal to me, it isn’t something I easily share. Even though I’ve always had this hope, or goal, of one day creating enough to make a book of my poetry. Even

Today my therapist made a connection that I had never come to on my own, and it did two things at the same time. Honestly, it did a lot. Up until this point, I had assumed that my previous therapist terminated the way she did to intentionally hurt me, that she must have hated me. My therapist linked that belief back to my trauma memory of being intentionally hurt. I was caught off guard. I think it took me 20–30 seconds just to take a breath. A lot went on after she said that

Have you ever had words feel like a hug? I experienced that yesterday in my session. I can’t really remember most of it. I think I was too flooded to stay aware enough to retain what was said, from both myself and her. But the feeling stayed. Feeling like she could hold my pain without it hurting her. Without it scaring her. There is one moment that I remember vividly. I had just admitted how scared I was to show up to therapy. What she said after that might seem like just a

I was able to open up a little today. It has been awhile since I felt like I might completely fall apart inside of a therapy session. I’m grateful for her holding space for me today and continuing to take everything I’ve shared with her and use it to keep the dynamic safe. I don’t feel safe, and I don’t feel trusting. But I can see the effort she’s putting in to shape everything intentionally. I didn’t realize how much everything had built up inside of me. Today kind of relea

I am having a hard time accepting how I feel because it feels destabilizing to feel attachment. It’s manageable in the sense that I am not feeling overwhelming attachment. It kind of lingered on my drive home, and then I passed out once I got home. Besides feeling nauseous about it, I haven't actually been feeling attachment pain. I know my mind is trying to act like it isn’t there, because I keep thinking, well, if I don't feel anything right now then it must mean those feel