Therapy Session—7/15/26

I had a hard session today.

Honestly, I can’t remember most of it. I ended up having an anxiety or panic attack during the session. I’m not really sure what to call it, to be honest.

The hard part was that I had to go back to work afterward.

Usually I transition back to work pretty easily. This time I had to sit for a while before I walked back in. And when I finally did, I had a really hard time staying present and engaging. I got through the day, but it took a lot more effort than usual.

I think I’m going to start doing my sessions from home from now on, just in case I end up in a state like that again.

I’m also in one of those rotations of my life where I’m refusing to take my medication for panic attacks. I don’t really know why. Every time I try to think about it, I feel too exhausted to figure it out.

What I’m struggling with most right now, though, is what happened in session and what my therapist may be thinking of me afterward. That has been fueling a lot of rumination and making it hard to settle.

In the past, this is probably the sort of thing that would have prompted me to reach out for an additional session. But I won’t.

It’s not really urgent.

It’s just uncomfortable.

Every hour or so I find myself creeping back toward panic. Then it settles. Then it comes back again.

I know if I could turn my brain off for a while, it would probably stop.

She tried to explore what happened before I got overwhelmed, but I couldn’t remember anything before that. I also wasn’t really understanding what she was saying at all.

Which made me pretty frustrated with myself because I wanted to understand her, but I couldn’t. It felt like every time I tried to get clarity, I just got more confused.

I don’t know. It’s hard for me when I have sessions like this. Sessions where my body won’t let me show up the way I want to.

I’m angry with myself. Or with my body.

I want this so badly. I want to work through things, but I feel weak. Like it doesn’t take much for me to end up in a state that prevents me from doing the work.

Anyway, that was today.

I’m hoping some sleep and continuing on with my life will get me to a point where I’m less concerned about the way I was perceived.

I hope she knows I was trying my best.

I really was.

And it’s weird to type that last line out while also being angry at myself for not doing better.