Learning to Speak Differently

A Client Perspective

Jun 19

2 min read

I’m reading a psychologically oriented book, and it’s bringing up a lot of anger about one of the therapists I worked with. It’s talking about things in a much more nuanced way than I experienced at times in her office, and it carries a level of humility and compassion that I wish I could have received in the final moments of our work together, the moments that ultimately left me feeling harmed.

I don’t really like saying she harmed me, but I also know what I’ve experienced since, and sadly, that is what happened, whether it was intended or not.

My first attempt at writing about this came out much like the emails I sent back then: critical, global, enraged. I caught myself and realized I don’t really like this feeling, and I don’t like the way it’s coming out. At the same time, I don’t really know how else to speak when I’m in that place because it was simply my thoughts put onto paper exactly as I was thinking and feeling them.

I think I’m hurt, too.

And I don’t want other people to have to experience that same hurt.

I’m also cognizant that we, as people, are responsible for our own behaviors. I know there are things I wish I had done differently. I could have approached those moments with less accusation and more curiosity.

I guess where it gets murky for me is that I also hold the hope that people working with traumatized individuals would approach termination with as much humanity as possible. I think that’s where the biggest hurt is for me.

Knowing how badly it hurt, thinking about others having to feel that same hurt, wishing I didn’t have to experience it, wishing I could have done better in that moment, while also wishing she could have done better.

Author’s Note

I guess this is me learning how to take a step back and speak differently when a wound is pressed on. The first version of this was written from anger. This one still contains that anger, but it also makes room for grief, accountability, and complexity. I’m trying to learn how to let all of those things exist together.