The Space Between Sessions

Since we moved my therapy frequency up to twice a week, I’ve been feeling a lot more stable between sessions. It’s also provided an environment where I’m getting better at sharing more openly.

Before we increased the frequency, she let me know there may be weeks where twice weekly can’t happen until she has a consistent spot available. I logically understand that and I respect that.

Emotionally, I’m struggling with it.

And I really hate this about myself. I hate the pain I feel around it.

I won’t tell her how much pain it brings up because that would mean telling her how much the time with her matters to me, and admitting that makes me feel like I’m going to throw up.

I just had the thought of, “I wish this didn’t matter to me” and it’s not that I wish she didn’t matter to me… because that’s kind of sad to think. I just wish it didn’t hurt.

Why can’t I just be normal and tolerate a week of absence?

I know I can tolerate it. Even if it’s painful, I’ll get through the week. I guess what I mean is… why does it have to be painful for me at all? Why do I have to cry about this? Maybe it’s the change I’m struggling with or maybe some part of me is scared it means she’s going away.

I’m not sure. I don’t have an answer.

It was a heavy session today, too. I’m starting to realize that the better I get at free associating with her, the more my past comes up. And it’s rough.

To relive moments.

Especially in the presence of someone else.

There’s something about another person being there while I remember that makes it feel more real. Like these things aren’t just fragments that exist somewhere inside of me anymore. They happened. Someone else is sitting there hearing that they happened.

And then I leave.

Maybe after opening those doors, knowing there’s usually another session a couple of days away has started to matter more than I realized.

Or maybe I’m trying to find an explanation because having an explanation feels easier than simply admitting that I’m attached to another person and their absence can hurt me.

I don’t know.

Anyway. That’s where I’m at right now.

Luckily, I have a second job now, so I’ll be keeping myself pretty busy until next week.

Maybe that will make the space between feel a little smaller.

It’s hard letting someone matter this much to me. It feels like I’m cremating myself.