Lighter Days And Curious Noticing
A lot of days lately have been heavy, hard, and honestly just overwhelming in a way that I haven’t been able to handle well. Today is a day where I’m able to reflect, experience joy, and notice all the nuances of what I am experiencing and living through right now. I know it is important to really take these moments in when they happen, because when the bad days return, it’s helpful to have been present for the good ones—to have some felt sense that the bad won’t last forever.
I want to take the time to really navigate through all the positives in my life, to sit with them and name them.
I’m navigating a divorce, which is a huge loss and hurdle, but I am doing it with someone for whom I still have deep love and respect. We are handling it with maturity, compassion, and a desire to remain connected in some capacity. That is a win. We are not letting the reality of no longer being romantically compatible strip away the very real friendship that is still there.
We are both dating again, and the fact that it lined up at almost the exact same time has been helpful for both of us. We are navigating all the feelings that come with this new chapter, and one thing I notice most is happiness for each other’s happiness.
I am connecting with people... slowly, anxiously, fearfully, but I am connecting. I am trying to do it in a healthy way, even as my nervous system pulls me in different directions.
As I’m typing this, I’m noticing that talking about my life feels more vulnerable than talking about my emotions. I started writing about the good moments, and something about people knowing those moments scares me. I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m afraid that talking about it will somehow ruin the good, or maybe I feel shame for having good moments at all. It’s interesting to notice this coming up, and I think it might be the next thing I try to untangle in therapy. (Funny side note: my current therapist is always saying, “it’s interesting to notice,” and I just realized I must have really absorbed that frame of thinking for it to come out so naturally here.)
I think I’m ready to try to let go of the shame around my past actions, reactions, and behaviors, and to let the way I show up now be how I hold myself accountable. I know it’s going to be hard to truly shed that shame, but I want to be able to do it so it doesn’t hold me back from growing and doing better.
