After Session 2/3/26

There is something about me that is super frustrating… and it is that no matter how many times this happens, I never seem to fully grasp onto the lesson.

I started taking Klonopin yesterday because I felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore, and I started to feel a lot more calm and capable of getting through the day. So I continued to take it through the day and before bed, and then again today, which has allowed me to actually function.

And I know this.

And I promise you, the next time it happens again, it will take weeks before I think to take a pill.

Anyway, today’s therapy session went really well.

I started off by being honest about how hard this past week has been. Then I read her my blog post from right after session last week, because I was pretty sure the feelings I had after were important to talk about.

We talked about a lot of things that I think were sitting on my chest more than I realized. We talked about things way beyond just that post, but not really anything I want to share here.

I just feel so much lighter now.

Like I can take a full breath in.

I haven’t been able to do that in some time.

It feels nice.

Author’s Note:

I think learning a lot about myself through the failings of therapy has made this time a very unique experience. I’m able to hand her a platter of information that goes far beyond just my trauma, into the layers of my attachment system: what activates it, what I can and can’t handle, and what isn’t good for it.

In a way, it feels like I’m also handing her a map of safety rules for both of us.

I’m still scared, of course, because I know I haven’t uncovered all there is to see. I’m scared of having to learn something new again that feels intolerable. But for now, this feels good.

—oh and Christian if you’re reading this in session, check your notes app for important details.