The Goalpost Always Moves

Yesterday was a day.

After work, I went to donate plasma. Then later, I met up with someone. What I didn’t realize was that two hours of physical intimacy is, in fact, a full-body workout. As someone who does not exercise regularly, I woke up this morning feeling it in my shoulders, my legs, even my core. Muscles I haven’t really used in a while.

Also, I didn’t even know two hours was a real thing. I’ve heard people say that before and I’ve always kind of rolled my eyes like, okay. Apparently it is, in fact, a real thing. I’m just glad my eyes didn’t get stuck rolling them all of those times.

I didn’t sleep well. It wasn’t terrible sleep, but it wasn’t solid either. I could feel a migraine starting this morning, so I took medicine and I’m hoping I caught it early enough to stop it from lasting three days.

Mentally, I’m not doing bad. I’m just not sharp. I feel groggy. A little disconnected. It feels more like a lack-of-sleep thing than anything deeper. I’m sure the migraine isn’t helping either.

Something I noticed last night was that he kept complimenting me. But I don’t really know how to receive that. When someone says something positive about my body, or about me in general, it feels like something I can’t quite believe. Not that I fully think the person is lying, but there’s a nagging feeling that they’re just being nice and that it’s not fully authentic.

I know part of it is because I don’t believe about myself what the other person is saying. So I know that’s something I need to work on.

I’ve had the thought again that maybe I should start exercising. Part of me thinks if I felt stronger or more in shape, maybe I’d feel better about myself.

But if I’m honest, I’ve been different sizes before. I’ve put effort in before. And my opinion of myself didn’t really change. The goalpost just moved. It always does.

So I’m trying to be honest about that. If I start exercising, it can’t be because I’m trying to fix how I see myself. Because, that has never worked.

It would be nice to be more in shape regardless of whether my body shape changes or not. I just really struggle with getting myself to move.

Maybe I’ll do some thought maps on why movement is hard for me.

But not this week.

I’ve had enough hard truths hit me this week. I’ll save those for after my next session.

(Let’s be real, I won’t wait.)