Weighted Trench Coat

I’m feeling okay today.

If I could describe what it feels like, it would be like this really heavy trench coat on my body. Like someone made a weighted trench coat, but it’s too heavy for it to be regulating.

How do you stop longing for and missing two people who felt like soul mates?

Even if I can’t be partners with my ex, having her in my life means a lot to me. And while it hurts to lose that kind of connection with her, having no connection would have shattered me completely.

I also feel like we really motivate each other to grow. You don’t find that often. And we both love each other deeply.

I’ve never felt as secure with another soul in my life as I do with her, and that was earned for both of us.

With L, I felt like our souls saw each other. And I know that sounds completely stupid because how could I possibly know the soul of my therapist? It’s one-sided. I get that. I do.

But I’m also talking about how I feel.

And I know those two truths don’t line up, but I can’t explain a feeling away.

I’m having a hard time accepting no connection. I am. Maybe one day the acceptance will come the same way forgiveness for my parents did. But until then, I think it’ll hurt.

Tears fell as I wrote this. It doesn’t feel like the trench coat is on me anymore. But my body feels like it’s burning.

I think I prefer the burning.