Someone Who Mattered and Still Does

I’m really struggling with my attachment.

I keep trying to comfort myself by stupidly fantasizing about her calling me and saying hello and us catching up on life. I’m obviously not intentionally thinking about this, I kind of don’t realize it’s happening half the time.

It makes me feel weird for wanting that… but I know it’s just me wishing things didn’t have to be the way they are.

Fuck, I really wish they didn’t have to be.

It’s so hard.

I know acceptance would probably stop a lot of this pain, but most of me doesn’t want to let go of hope. That with enough time, eventually she could be in my life in some capacity.

I know I should probably talk to my therapist about how much distress I’m in, but I don’t know how without feeling crazy. I honestly don’t know how to open up to anyone about these feelings because they are confusing.

While I understand the attachment piece amplifies things, it doesn’t feel right to narrow it down to just that.

There’s the part of me that’s attached, and there’s the part of me that just genuinely misses the human connection and presence of her.

I absolutely hate reality right now.

I understand it, but I hate it.

I know I’m just repeating myself here, but it is the repetition of my experience, my pain, and my longing, for someone who mattered/s to me, to exist in my life in more than just a memory.