Therapy 2/19/26

A Client Perspective

Feb 19

2 min read

I showed up to session today and something different happened.

This therapist works from a psychodynamic lens and it has been helpful at getting me to see things I normally wouldn't. I have a huge problem with not being able to admit how I'm actually doing. I can admit it in writing if I'm not in front of the person, but having to say it is something I have never been good at.

When we started session, the usual “how are you?” was asked and I said, “I’m okay.” She then made a comment that she noticed a theme around me and my memory making it hard to say how I’m doing and asked if that was what was going on today.

So I said it usually is my memory, but today it’s because I’m not doing good. And when I’m not doing good it’s hard for me to show up the way I want or need to.

So that started the session.

It basically winded from theme to theme. One theme was too activating for me to really engage with. It brought up too much shame. It was something about what I get from the therapy relationship. (not just with her, but in general)

I know that she knows what she's trying to get me to realize.

But I don't.

And honestly I’m scared to find out.

I silently joked in my head, that she has a theme of starting curiosity in me that leads to devastating awareness.

I know some of the answers to that question, but the shame I felt was too strong for me to say it out loud or even sit with the thought for longer than a few seconds.

And while I wasn't able to name anything about how I was feeling this past week beyond what I mentioned in the beginning of the session, it didn't feel like I had to pretend the whole session like I was doing better than I was.

I don't quite know how to explain how it feels to take that step. I'm sure I've done it before and I'm sure there will be times where I won't be able to. But I am trying to encode it into my memory so that next time I can remind myself that just saying I can't say it felt better than pretending or trying to force myself to be more honest than I could be.

I’m going to try to dig into it a little at a time this week so that I am more prepared to go there next week.

I’m exhausted.

I’m always shocked at the amount of pain I discover within sessions. I think things are so disconnected from one another that when pieces merge it feels… disconcerting.