Fear, Relief, and Everything Between

I was able to open up a little today.

It has been awhile since I felt like I might completely fall apart inside of a therapy session.

I’m grateful for her holding space for me today and continuing to take everything I’ve shared with her and use it to keep the dynamic safe.

I don’t feel safe, and I don’t feel trusting.

But I can see the effort she’s putting in to shape everything intentionally.

I didn’t realize how much everything had built up inside of me.

Today kind of released some of it, enough so that I can feel like I can breathe again.

One thing that’s coming up for me right now is all the empty words I’ve heard in between the walls of therapy rooms.

From long-term and short-term providers.

It feels safer to not hear false promises or some framing of the work like it’s meaningful just for it to be treated like it’s not.

I hate that this is what’s coming up because it makes me feel bitter.

Maybe there is a little bitterness about the things my ears heard when my heart had to feel the opposite.

But mostly it’s heartache.

Confusion.

And anger.

And so much fear.

Anyway.

I think today helped me feel a little more stable than I have been.

I don’t think I’ve stopped crying since session ended, but it’s the good kind of crying, the kind where it feels like things are releasing.

I’m so ready to put everything that’s happened over the last two years behind me.

As well as everything that shaped me into the adult that I am.

I’m so ready to be able to let go.