The Fear of Attachment

I am having a hard time accepting how I feel because it feels destabilizing to feel attachment.

It’s manageable in the sense that I am not feeling overwhelming attachment. It kind of lingered on my drive home, and then I passed out once I got home. Besides feeling nauseous about it, I haven't actually been feeling attachment pain.

I know my mind is trying to act like it isn’t there, because I keep thinking, well, if I don't feel anything right now then it must mean those feelings aren't actually there or true. And I know that's my way of denying it so I don't have to deal with it.

So I am going to bring it up in therapy, even if I have to bring up the nuanced layer of denial. I want to stay ahead of this, and I want to protect the frame of therapy.

What scares me is the pain. I'm terrified of it.

I don't like having feelings like this for another person, especially another person where these feelings are beyond what the structure of therapy can give.

And I know that is the work. I really do.

I understand that the need is to take those feelings and look at them without it becoming more than that... feelings meant to be understood and examined.

I feel so sick.

Part of me really wants to work through this, and part of me really doesn't want to put myself in the position to feel this again.

And I know I said it feels destabilizing… and it's not right now. I just mean that I have had experiences where it does feel that way, and I know this feeling is just the beginning of something that gets really overwhelming for me.

It's also doing this weird mix of gluing to the grief I feel around L. I don't really know how to explain what that feels like. Sometimes I forget who's sitting in the chair across from me.

And while I don't feel destabilized, I have definitely noticed that it's affecting me.

I had many moments on my way to work this morning where I couldn't tell what road I was on or where I was.

I really wish, more than anything, that I didn't have things to heal or work through.

That my life could be healthy and normal without all of this painful work.