Too much

The shelter we found Lyndsey at is a non-profit that has never posted their political or spiritual/religious alignments before. Yesterday, that changed.

Someone else in a group brought up their post and it started a conversation that ultimately led to me sending the organization an email. Now I’m pretty activated.

I know it’s because the last time I spoke up about something I felt strongly about, a shit storm happened after. It’s like I’m bracing for the worst.

I know the worst that will happen is they block me on Facebook, which won’t really affect me beyond it being sad. It’s sad because they are a non-profit that helps dogs that may not have a chance at a life, get one. That’s why I didn’t immediately block them myself. They are doing good work for the dogs.

Anyway, it’s bringing everything to the surface and I don’t exactly know what to do with it. Luckily I do have therapy today, so if I’m still feeling this activated by then I can talk about it. I’m just really tired of being tied to this event.

I hate to say this, but if I could go back in time, I don’t know that I would speak up again.

The cost has been too much.

I don’t even like talking about it in therapy. I don’t like that I’m having to spend my time, money, and energy focusing on this. It makes me sick.

It makes me sick that I feel like I went into therapy to tackle things that happened in my life, and I walked out without them being tackled and with more shit stacked on top.

And I know I’m part of it. I know I could have been more thoughtful about the way I approached the situation. I also feel angry because I am in therapy to learn how to do better, and I was punished for not being there yet.

And for full transparency, here are screenshots of my emails and the termination email. They’ve been edited minimally to protect the privacy of the people involved.

These have brought me so much shame for so long, and I am making them public to release that shame.