The Urge to Rupture

Something in me wants to self-sabotage.

I can feel it. I can hear it.

It's attached itself to something that has been relatively innocuous for a while now, but because I am more terrified of loss than I have been in a long time, the thoughts are suddenly louder.

They're pushing me to bring it up.

To start an argument.

To create a rupture and force an ending before an ending can happen to me.

And for the first time in my life, I can hear it while it's happening.

This level of self-awareness and insight is new.

And honestly, it's terrifying.

Because as I sit here crying, I can't stop thinking about Courtney.

I keep wondering if this is what happened then.

If there were moments where I thought I was protecting myself when I was actually trying to outrun the possibility of being hurt.

There are things in life that can't be undone.

Once damage is done, sometimes that's it.

All that's left is grief and a desperate wish that I could go back and do it differently.

I wish I could rewind time.

I wish I could go back with the awareness I have now.

Understand what was happening inside of me before acting on it.

But I can't.

The only thing I can do is sit with what is happening now.

And right now, I can hear the urge.

I can hear the part of me that wants to create distance.

The part that wants to push away the people I care about before they have the chance to leave.

The difference is that this time, I'm not acting on it.

But even that realization scares me.

Because what happens if next time I don't hear it?

What happens if I lose this moment of connection to myself?

I feel flooded with grief.

Not just grief about the present, but grief about the past.

Grief for the relationships that ended and for the versions of me that didn't understand what was happening.

Grief for the damage I can't go back and undo.

Part of me wants to isolate.

To disappear.

To protect myself and everyone else from whatever this is.

I don't know how I'm going to get myself to show up to therapy.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all of this.

I need help.