The Parts of Ourselves We Find in Strangers

I just read a Reddit thread about someone who emailed a therapist pretty venomously after the therapist told them they couldn’t take them on pro bono. I could see the shame in the post and, while their behavior was toxic, I couldn’t help but feel for them.

The situation is different from mine, but similar enough that it touched something in me.

Of course, they’re being eaten alive in the comments because their behavior wasn’t okay. And while I understand why people are responding that way, my heart still hurts for them. Maybe it’s because I know what it’s like to not realize, in the moment, that the way you’re reacting isn’t okay.

I’m probably projecting my own experience onto theirs, so I know it’s possible they don’t want to change. But I’d like to believe that most people do. Sometimes they just don’t yet have the tools or insight to respond differently.

I think what hurts most is imagining them defining themselves by this moment and deciding never to seek therapy again.

So I find myself asking: Why are you hurting this much for a stranger on Reddit? Why is this making you cry?

Maybe it’s because I know what it’s like to define myself by my mistakes. To believe I am the worst thing I’ve ever done. To see myself as a monster. I know how much that hurts, and I don’t want someone else to carry that kind of pain if they don’t have to.

I also know what it feels like to hurt someone and then have to figure out how to forgive yourself without the other person being involved. To try to find closure when you know you’ll never get reassurance from the person you harmed. It’s hard to sit with the knowledge that, in someone else’s story, you’re the villain. You’re the person who caused harm. You’re the reason the relationship ended.

Watching people be cruel to them is difficult. I think they need to hear the truth. Accountability matters. But the internet often mistakes shame for accountability, and I don’t think that’s helpful. If they made the post and acknowledged what they did, then some part of them already knows it wasn’t okay, even if they don’t fully understand why yet.

Reading that thread also brought me back to my own situation.

The hardest part has been trying to hold two truths at the same time: wishing I had done better, and wishing she had done better.

When I let myself wish she had handled things differently, another voice immediately says, You deserved what happened. Your behavior is why she left without a closing session.

Then another part of me says, You still deserved a closing session.

Back and forth they go.

It’s exhausting because there isn’t a solid answer. I’ve never been good with ambiguity, especially when I’m trying to hold myself accountable while also acknowledging what I think I needed from someone I had worked with for an extended period of time. Someone who was helping with trauma. Someone who knew attachment was one of my deepest wounds.

I know she’s human. I know she’s just a person who also happened to be my therapist.

And I know I still wish she had been a little more delicate in how she ended our work together.

The termination is understandable.. I get that part. I do. Even if it hurts.

Looks like Reddit wanted to get at my heart this morning.