Struggling to Keep Up

I’m still in a lot of physical pain.

What started as the usual upper body pain has now decided to also extend to my head. The kind that makes it feel like the room is spinning and my stomach is trying to turn itself inside out.

It’s exhausting.

And honestly, I think I’m just overwhelmed.

There are a lot of major life changes happening right now, and they’re all stacked close together. I’m having a hard time feeling confident that I’m going to be able to navigate all of them at once.

The biggest stressor at the moment is having roommates moving in soon.

It’s a genuinely difficult adjustment for me. I don’t relax easily around other people. I never really have.

Even after being with someone for fourteen years, I still struggled with feeling fully at ease in shared spaces. There’s something about having other people around that keeps my nervous system activated. Like part of me is always scared.

Now I’m afraid that once people move in, I’m going to be in a state of perpetual freeze.

That I’ll retreat to my room and stay there.

That being at home won’t actually feel like being home anymore.

I know I should probably bring this into therapy and spend some time preparing for the transition. I think that would be wise.

But there’s also a part of me that looks at thirty-three years of being wired this way and wonders how much progress can realistically happen in a couple of weeks.

I don’t know.

I just feel like I’m having a hard time keeping up with life lately.

It’s hard to get through work.

It’s hard to see people.

It’s hard to communicate.

It’s hard to carry physical pain while also carrying emotional pain.

And when everything starts piling on top of everything else, it creates this feeling that’s difficult to describe.

Like I can never quite catch my breath.

Like I’m always one step behind my own life.

I know I’ll get through it.

But right now, I’m tired.

And I’d really like to be able to breathe normally again.