Losing Sight
Sometimes I don’t really understand why I’m always in so much mental anguish.
When I look at my life, I know I have it good in comparison to people who are going through a really tough time. I wish I could be the kind of person who isn’t consumed by the seemingly small things in life.
For instance, when I opened up last session about my fear of termination, my therapist scheduled me out for the remainder of the year and well into the next year.
Now, I don’t know if she did that because her schedule had shifted and she needed to schedule all of her clients out to keep everyone in the same time slot, or if she was hoping it would offer me some reprieve from the anxiety and mental pain.
And I think most people would find relief in that gesture, regardless of the reasoning behind it.
All I can think about is how it doesn’t offer me any relief because those slots… they don’t actually mean anything. They can disappear just as quickly as they appeared.
I’ve been having breakdowns almost daily over what feel like minor things, and I’m pretty frustrated with myself over it.
Build some mental stamina, for Christ’s sake. Reflect on the good things you have and be grateful for them.
But sometimes it’s hard to believe things can shift when you feel like your mental health is too much for yourself and anyone who might be able to help.
And I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve also been having to battle internally not to just cold turkey my Effexor. I haven’t really dealt with this since starting medication, but lately it’s been hours of trying to convince myself to take it before I can actually get it into my mouth.
I’m just feeling exhausted. Defeated. Like I’m not embodying gratitude enough.
And I’m tired of grief, to be quite honest with you.
It hurts.
And I feel like the waves never stop.
I wish I could go back and redo so many things. I’ve been saying that she hurt me by terminating with me the way she did. But lately I’ve found myself wondering if I hurt myself. If maybe I deserved that kind of ending.
