Limited Access to Myself

One thing I’ve learned after being home alone for a week is that I can function when I’m alone in ways I can’t when someone else is in the house. That feeling of being frozen, like I can’t move or do anything, isn’t nearly as prevalent when I’m by myself.

Today my ex is here packing, which she obviously needs to do. I’m not blaming her. But I’m frozen on the sofa. I have important things that need to be done tonight, and no matter how much I mentally try to force myself into action, I just sit there watching my body stay curled into the corner of the couch. It’s maddening.

I think I’m angry, though I’m not entirely sure at who. Maybe at myself. Maybe at the situation. It feels like I lose access to myself when someone else is in the house.

I’m mostly writing this so I don’t forget to bring it into therapy this week. Starting Wednesday I’ll be sharing my home with two roommates instead of one person. I don’t just want to tolerate that, I want to develop the capacity to function while sharing a home with other people.