Attachment, Ambiguity, and Me

You ever wonder why your attachment system gets activated with certain people and not others?

It’s a question I’ve been sitting with. I’ve been paying closer attention to the different parts of me and how they react to different dynamics. The part that is hardest for me to cope with is the anxious part of myself. It’s the painful part. The part that feels unworthy, less than, not good enough.

I still haven’t exactly figured out what the underlying factor is. What causes me to feel more secure, more anxious, more disorganized. I can tell you it’s a lot easier for me to cope with the avoidant part of me than it is to cope with the anxious part of me.

And I honestly wish I could be the person I am when I drink all of the time. Not monitoring every single thing about myself. Engaging in conversation, banter, humor. Not filtering every thought through seventeen layers of “should this leave my brain and exit my mouth?”

The thing is, that person who comes out when I drink? He’s there. I just can’t access him in most places.

If I’m comfortable with someone and I feel safe with them, that part of me can show up. But that’s with maybe two people in my life. So I don’t really get much time with him the way I’d prefer.

I don’t know. I’m just feeling some grief right now. (What’s new? lol.)

Literally any type of grief you can think of and I’ve been feeling it lately. Which I’m going to take as a sign of healing, even if it hurts and even if alcohol has been one of the ways I’ve been coping with it lately.

I’d probably do more healing without drinking. I know that.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed myself reaching for it at the end of the day when I want some relief.

Anyway.

I had a pretty good day yesterday. I got to experience the sun today and hang out with my godson, so that’s another good day.

I’m just home now, sitting with my thoughts and feelings.

I think next session I’m going to try to dig into this attachment stuff more. Maybe try to figure out whether being unable to access the core of who I am most of the time is masking, or if it’s something else entirely.

I don’t know the answer yet.

I just know I want more time with that version of me.

And I want to understand what exactly is triggering the different parts of me and my attachment system. I feel like if I can figure that out, I’ll have more control over how I manage it.

Which, honestly, I’ve been doing a lot better than I have in the past.

It would just be nice to get to the point where I’m not constantly having an internal battle eighty percent of the time.