Alone

I just got out of a therapy session, and I feel like I'm losing my ability to engage with the world. At the same time, I don't know how to let my therapist in. Most of the time, I physically can't.

I don't know how to cope with all of this grief anymore. It feels never-ending—a constant loop of grieving multiple people. I feel alone in the world, like I don't have anyone who cares about me or loves me. Sometimes I just want to let go because I don't see things getting better.

My fear in therapy is overwhelming. Being overly careful has its shortcomings. It makes it incredibly difficult to open up. I'm honestly terrified that I'm too much for any clinician, that eventually, anyone trying to help me will realize I'm beyond helping.

I'm hurting. I'm at a point in my life where the way things are now doesn't feel sustainable. Happiness doesn't feel available to me. I don't know how to let go of the overwhelming shame I carry for the way I reacted after being left in a way that hurt so deeply. I don't know how to trust my own mind anymore. It took me a year to begin seeing things more clearly, and even now, I'm not sure I fully can.

I don't know how to find any sense of closure. I just feel defeated.

The hardest part is that I know these are the things I should be saying in therapy.

But I just can't.